Ultimatum
by lpdrunknmunky
Summary: One horrific nightmare sets his mental world upside-down, but the outcome is... Lavi/Kanda


Title: Ultimatum

Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Kanda/Lavi; also mild Allen/Lenalee, Deak/Allen, Deak/Lenalee, and Deak/Kanda ;P

Warnings: Angst, UST, character deaths…sort of…and molestation, but with a twist for those who hate miserable endings (is that vague enough?).

Disclaimer: I don't own D. Gray-Man, its characters, or anything affiliated with it. I gain no monetary profit from writing fan fiction.

Yet another request from the dgmkinkmeme, because I have no original ideas of my own…but oh, well.

And here he is once again. The hell that is his indecisive heart has engulfed him, and his three best friends along with him. How they got swept up into this mess he can only imagine. The last thing he remembers is falling asleep in his own bedroom, tucked safely away in the bowels of the Order, and then waking up in this…_madness_.

Lavi cringes, trying to ignore the squeaky whimpers Lenalee is making. He can practically feel Allen seething beside him. Kanda isn't much cooler, for that matter. He would be just as outraged if he weren't the one _doing _that to her. Well, it wasn't really him, but close enough.

His 48th self presses a little deeper, moves a little faster, and smirks a little wider at the pink flushing Lenalee's distressed face. Lavi grits his teeth.

"Stop this, you sick bastard!" Lavi's eye is fierce, unforgiving. His other self tilts his head, half-lidded eye revealing his devious motives in a single glance.

"Why should I? These people are mere ink, Lavi. Just as you manipulate ink in fiction, so I manipulate them."

"No! They are my friends! You can't do this. You can't…"

Deak's grin is more feral than amused. "Can't what? Do this?" Lenalee chokes out a startled cry, making Allen bristle and Kanda tense. Deak rubs her through a shaking orgasm, chuckling when she 

hangs limply from her chained wrists. He laps at his fingers, tilting her chin up to let her see it. Shame burns her pretty face red.

"Stop!" Lavi's voice is weak, desperate, and Kanda growls low in his throat. Lavi's eye meets Kanda's for an instant. There is a world of reproach there, but surprisingly, no resentment. Lavi hates and resents his own weakness and the fact that this is his fault, that it is a demented part of himself inflicting this depravity on his friends. Kanda, however, seems solely angry at Deak, and annoyed at Lavi. He can only cling to the hope that this presents; if Lavi can get them out of this, maybe he can keep his friends. Maybe.

Seeing Lavi's attention on Kanda, Deak moves over to his next victim.

Kanda snaps his glare onto Deak, increasing its potency tenfold with his righteous hatred. Deak smiles, replacing chains with several black chords with a wave of his hand. Kanda's wrists are still bound to the pillar he stands against, but now his legs are tied as well. He can barely move a few inches from the spot, much less stop Deak from whatever he wishes to do.

"Get the hell away from me, you psychotic freak!"

"Sticks and stones, love," Deak trails a fingertip down his cheek. Kanda jerks his head to the side, but it is futile. A dagger materializes in Deak's hand. With quick, efficient strokes, he slices most of Kanda's uniform jacket to shreds, ripping the pieces off to bare skin. Kanda's angry, frustrated growl seems to amuse Deak even more.

He dips his head to lave one, then the other of his nipples. Kanda stills and sets his face in determined quiescence, absolutely refusing to give any reaction. Deak slips a hand down to trace Kanda through his pants, squeezing when even that gets no response.

"Ah, you're no fun," he whines and steps back to observe him.

"Why are you doing this!?" Allen finally speaks up, voice low and full of murderous promise.

"Why, you ask?" Deak gives one last predatory look to Kanda before strolling over to Allen, idly twirling his dagger. "Why not?" he sneers in Allen's face.

"You son of a bitch!" Allen attempts to lunge at him, but Deak just takes a step back and laughs.

"Do you love her, boy? Is that why you want to kill me? But you know, I've seen how you look at Lavi. I can tell you wouldn't mind being a little…closer to him. Well, how about you pretend I'm him? I am, in a way." Allen's anger mixes with confusion, and then is replaced by shock as Deak slips to his knees before him. Lavi watches in horror as Deak strips Allen's belt, pulls down his pants, and sucks his cock into his mouth without hesitation. Allen gasps and goes rigid. He can't believe this is happening, can't process this turn of events, and wishes he couldn't feel Deak's tongue.

Lenalee refuses to open her eyes and Kanda tenaciously struggles with his binds. Allen swallows and squeezes his eyes closed tight against the pleasure. He hates his body for reacting to this, hates himself even more for almost wishing it really was Lavi sucking him off. He fights it as long as he can, but when it becomes increasingly difficult to hold his moans back, he gives up. Allen opens his eyes and lets himself enjoy this, hoping to get it over with as soon as possible. Deak meets his eyes and seems to see right through him. Just as Allen is about to come, Deak pulls away. Allen cannot stop a disappointed groan and immediately reprimands himself for letting it slip.

Lavi has been politely looking away from Allen but the sound draws his attention before he can remember not to look. He sees Kanda doing the same from the corner of his eye. Allen is flushed and panting; Deak gazes mockingly up at Lavi, then lasciviously at Kanda. Lavi looks away as Kanda swears, hearing Deak chuckle and stand.

"What did I tell you? A few minutes of this fantasy and he's ready to blow."

"Go to hell!" Allen demands. Deak grabs his collar and kisses him hard, grabbing his cock and pulling and squeezing hard enough to hurt as well as get him off. Before Allen has the chance to think to bite the tongue invading his mouth, he is coming over Deak's hand with a throaty moan.

Lavi's face contorts in misery. He is seconds from begging Deak to let him take their place, even kill him if he wants, but Kanda's quiet voice brings him from the brink.

"Oi. Don't do that. Don't you dare give up."

Lavi shakes his head and looks down at the weird, reflective not-floor. His own, pathetic expression pleads back at him.

"Oi!"

"Wait your turn," Deak orders Kanda. "So what do you think, Lavi? Care to make this a little more fun?" Lavi does not raise his head. Deak frowns. "How about this: You can keep one of your little friends all to yourself, to fuck or be fucked by as you please, and I get rid of the other two?"

Lavi's dismayed face snaps up at that. "No," he whispers, "You wouldn't." Deak smiles.

"I'll fucking kill you!" Kanda shouts, trying to wriggle free once again.

"I promise not to make it slow or painful," his tone is placating, "As long as you don't make me choose." Lavi wants to scream, wants to rip him apart, but all he can do is listen to the ragged sound of his breathing as he tries not to have a panic attack. "I'll give you one hour to decide."

"No! Please, no! You can't do this. Please, please!"

With a final, sickening grin, Deak disappears.

"No, you can't. I won't. This can't be real." Lavi slumps against his pillar, shaking his head and willing this all to just go away. The more franticly he breathes, the more worried Kanda's scowl becomes.

"Lavi. Calm down. Just think of something. Stop panicking, damn it!"

"Yuu! I can't do this," he pleads, "I can't choose. I can't!"

"You don't have to. Just…let's think of a way out of this."

"There isn't one. We're all stuck here in my pathetic excuse for a heart, without any innocence to fight with, and—"

"Lavi." Lenalee's quiet voice immediately halts his imminent loss of sanity. "It's okay, Lavi. We know it's not your fault."

"Lenalee."

"It's fine, Allen-kun. We'll just go, okay? We'll just go together and that way we won't even be separated. We can be together forever. Right, Allen-kun? Just like we always promise."

"Lenalee, no, you—"

"She's right, Lavi. We know how life-and-death our situation really is. We always promised that if one of us absolutely has to go, we would do everything short of suicide to go together."

"Allen. But the order needs you! Both of you. We can't afford to lose you two—"

"We can't afford to lose anyone, but we have no choice, Lavi."

Lavi can only look down, knowing Allen is right but not wanting to lose his beloved friends. For the first time in his life, Lavi has finally made true friends, and now two of these precious people will be taken from him, _because_ of him.

"Yuu?" Lavi questions but does not look up. He knows if he meets any of his friends' eyes right now, he will break into hysterics.

"…I…still have something I must do." Lavi takes that as a general agreement with Allen and Lenalee. He knows Kanda has some weird spell that will last until he fulfills the promise he made. The promise he lives for, the thing he fights so hard to achieve in life.

And then it hits him. Unless Kanda has forgotten, he has just agreed to…

"Yuu! You heard what he said, about the one that I pick, right?"

When Kanda does not answer, Lavi chances a sideways glance through his wayward fringe. Kanda is blushing for what might be the only time in his entire life. His eyes focus determinedly on the ground, and his mouth is set in a thin line. Lavi's mind reels with the implications of his assent. Can he sleep with Yuu? He's not even sure he could get it up for a guy, much less his close friend. Then he berates himself for thinking these things at such a time.

_This is not the time to be exploring my sexuality!_

"So we're decided, then?" Allen prompts, forced optimism making him sound hollow. He looks at the miserable slump of Lavi, Kanda's embarrassed acceptance, and the resigned form of his girlfriend and first love.

"NO! I cannot let this happen! I refuse, damn it!"

"Lavi…"

"No, Allen. If I'm this damned weak, if I can't even take control of my own fucking heart, then what the hell am I worth!?"

"Lavi." Kanda's quiet voice grabs his attention like a drowning man reaches for a lifeline. "Whatever you are talking about, this can't be it. You do not have the power to pull people into your own dimension. Think clearly about this and stop trying to blame yourself."

"…" Lavi is floored. Kanda is absolutely right. The last time this happened, it was Road Camelot's doing. It could very well be the same thing.

"The simple fact is that we don't have power here and we need to try and salvage this situation as well as we can. Considering our options only leaves us with the choice we've already decided on, right?" Lenalee is the voice of reason, as usual.

Lavi says nothing, silently relenting, and for the next several minutes, the four of them wait out their hour. Allen and Lenalee don't say much, but they gaze soulfully at each other for most of the time. Lavi keeps his eye lowered and Kanda rests with his closed.

When Deak returns, everyone but Kanda jumps.

"Well, Lavi? Have you decided? Which will it be? This one," he flicks a strand of Kanda's bangs from his eyes, "And this one?" he stops before Allen, who takes a deep breath and keeps looking at Lenalee.

"Yeah, it's me. Lenalee and I." Deak seems mildly shocked by Allen's solemn words.

"You didn't choose to save the girl this time? How very out of character for you, Lavi."

Lavi grimaces and turns his head away. He would have picked her as the one to live, eventually, he knows. There's just no way he could choose to condemn her of all people. There is just the small problem of having sex with her that he can't get his head around. Lavi has never seen Lenalee as an object of desire. A sister, yes, a friend, certainly, but a lover, not so much. She's just too innocent.

"All right, then. Goodbye, ink," Deak waves a hand and the wide-eyed couple vanish in an instant.

"NO! Lenalee! Allen! You MONSTER!!" Lavi's body is wracked by silent sobs and the tears he has been conditioned not to shed sting his eyes.

Kanda sees the one not covered squeezed tight against the mental pain, his inner turmoil. He wants to help but what can he do? What can he possibly say? He settles for all he really can do and glares at Deak.

"Lavi, I didn't think you had it in you. Rather, I didn't think you wanted _him _in you." Kanda shoots him a disgusted look as Deak just laughs. "Well you'd better be serious because I'm not letting either of you go until you both get off. While I watch."

Their expressions are nearly identical, shock and revulsion, and it makes Deak smile.

_I have this pervert somewhere in my heart and I never even knew it!? Who am I!?_

"Oh, and just so you don't get any aggressive ideas," another wave and four glass walls enclose the two with a vacuum-y _fwip_. "You'll run out of air if you don't hurry. I suggest you get started." Deak sits cross legged on the not-ground as their binds dissolve and they collapse with the unexpected release.

Lavi kneels and rubs the bruises on his wrists where the chains had been, surreptitiously glancing at Kanda from the corner of his eye. He looks annoyed and angry, but not miserable or despondent, like Lavi feels. Watching Kanda assess and deal with the new situation calms him somewhat, allowing him to begin to breathe normally and gather his shattered senses.

After a moment, they look at each other. Kanda's analytical face morphs into his determined face and he stands—tries to—until he finds out there's a glass roof about four feet above them. He knocks his head and grimaces, kneeling back down and shooting Deak another glare.

Kanda doesn't know much about calculating the volume of a container, just from looking at it, and using that to determine the percentage of oxygen in that volume, not to mention the amount the two of them will consume given their impending exertions, but he guesses they don't have a whole lot of time before they begin to asphyxiate and lose consciousness. The mere fact that they even need air in this dream-world is ridiculous, so he decides not to think about it.

The grim set of his features sets Lavi's alarm bells off, and before Kanda can say anything, he grasps what Kanda just reasoned, and he starts to panic. Kanda sees this and, wanting to conserve air as well as keep the only ally he has sane, he reaches for Lavi to calm him.

The firm grip on his shoulder brings Lavi from the edges of hysteria. He looks into the dark eyes boring into him and he feels the knot loosen in his chest.

There are no words. Kanda sighs and presses his mouth against Lavi's. When he doesn't move, Lavi knows Kanda has never done this before and that he doesn't know what he's doing. Lavi will have to guide him if they are to get anywhere anytime soon, and that gives him a task that he can focus on, a reason to not think about where they are and what is at stake.

With a gentle nudge of his fingertips against Kanda's jaw, Lavi tilts his head to better align them and sort of massages his lips against Kanda's. He is reluctant and stiff but Lavi's hands on his shoulders help him relax marginally.

Mimicking everything Lavi does, he is taken from the simple contact of their mouths to a much more intimate series of actions. One of Lavi's hands imbeds into his hair while the other takes the opposite route and rests over his tattoo, thumb brushing gently from side to side to allow Kanda time to get used to all of this. The warm hand on his scalp feels nice, he thinks, and parts his lips just so. Lavi takes the opportunity and flicks the tip of his tongue out as warning before introducing it to Kanda's in one slick motion.

Lavi doesn't stop him from pulling away from the foreign sensation, but luckily, he doesn't go far. It takes a short gasp and a questioning look and Kanda has already accepted it, leaning back in to learn this new trick as well.

Teaching him the intricacies of the French kiss, and practicing for the first time, Lavi recognizes his definite enjoyment of this. A quick peek at his partner's expression and Lavi is assured that he isn't the only one. Kanda's eyes are closed, shiny black lashes contrasting his slightly flushed cheekbones; his face is relaxed, even the crease between his brows is gone. Lavi thinks he has never seen anything so alluring in his entire life.

"What." Even Kanda's annoyance is milder than usual.

"What?" Then Lavi realizes he had stopped kissing in lieu of appreciating Kanda's…beauty. "Oh. It's nothing." Kanda looks like he wants to argue, then reconsiders and accepts Lavi's kiss instead.

It feels like his skin has grown twice as many nerves. Kanda feels Lavi's breath in warm puffs on his cheek, the hand gently kneading his scalp, the thumb brushing from sternum to just over his heart, and over all that he feels Lavi's body warmth, calling out to him like a comforting fire on a frigid night.

A hesitant touch to Lavi's shoulder elicits a flourish of the tongue flirting with his. This makes Kanda curious about what kinds of reactions Lavi will have, so he moves his hand down Lavi's arm to where it rests on his chest. He pushes their hands down his chest, an unexpected spark of pleasure arching his back, and Kanda stops their hands.

Lavi takes in Kanda's slight jerk and where he leaves his hand with an inward smirk. The pads of his fingers graze and tease the area and the nub itself, getting bolder as Kanda gasps and intensifies the kiss. When Kanda's hand finds his thigh to rest on, it is Lavi's turn to gasp and pull back.

"Yuu…are you sure about this?" He looks at Lavi for a moment, expression unreadable.

"Take off your shirt," he demands.

Lavi complies after about two seconds, obediently pulling the thin material over his head and tossing it aside. He huffs as his back meets the floor, Kanda's palms pressing against his shoulders and holding him still. Then, as easy as if he'd marked it with a pen, Kanda finds the most sensitive spot on Lavi's neck and kisses it with the same style as before.

He likes the sound of his moans, Kanda notices; he _really_ likes them. They make odd spikes shoot through him, and he likes those, too.

"Yuu…" Lavi is suddenly breathless. His head is turned to the side, hands grasping at Kanda's arms, now on either side of him.

Kanda watches him in aroused amusement. Lavi squirms a little, for no apparent reason, and holds onto him like he needs to know he's real. Kanda looks down the length of Lavi's body and wants to feel it against him. Fully following his instincts now, he does just that, straightening his knees and resting on Lavi instead. Their eyes meet just as their centers do and they still. Kanda finds it absurd, but in that moment, he doesn't think he would stop even if their captor decided to let them go.

One experimental wiggle later, Lavi mentally praises Kanda as a genius and almost grins at the face he makes. He looks like he is going to ask Lavi not to do that, but changes his mind when Lavi does it again. Kanda's hips move of their own accord, grinding into Lavi's with a purpose. Their mouths seek each other and they kiss as they shift to some unknown music, ever nearing something they both recognize but don't quite comprehend.

"Yuu," Lavi pants, "Ngh, don't stop." Kanda's mouth finds that spot again and grazes his teeth over it, sending a shudder so strong that even he feels it rippling through Lavi. "Ah, fuck!"

Both are riding the edge, the pleasure built up and ready to burst, but they stop almost immediately, hearing the voice they had forgotten was still present.

"Very nice," Deak claps his hands and stands. The two glare at him, sitting up when he walks toward them. "Very nice indeed. Unfortunately, boys, I must make my leave now. Hope to see you again soon!" A wide, creepy grin reflects in their shocked eyes, and Deak disappears, along with the rest of the scene.

0o0o0o0o0o0

Lavi wakes, shaking, breathless, and sweaty, but back in his own bed. He takes a moment to reaffirm his sanity and glare at his erection, stubbornly straining his pajamas, before pulling on some more clothes and rushing out of the room as if the Earl himself were after him. He stops at the nearest of his companions' doors, Allen's, and pounds on it with clenched fists. Several bruises and no answer later, Lavi dashes to the next room, Lenalee's, and does the same. Still no answer.

With a frustrated growl, he takes off down the hall to the stairs. There is one person who might know what the hell just happened to them. He couldn't have dreamed all of that, could he? His dreams are usually very vivid, sure, but he's never dreamed things he's never even _felt _before!

"Komui!" he bursts through the office door with absolutely no regard to etiquette. Looking around, he sees all three of the people from his 'dream,' plus Komui, all standing and apparently distressed. Lavi accidentally catches Kanda's attention, and then they both quickly look away.

"Lavi! We were just about to see if you were okay," Lenalee assures him. "We all just ran in here as soon as we woke up."

"I didn't dream that? It was real?"

"It seems that Road Camelot has paid you four a visit," Komui asserts. "We witnessed her fleeing the premises but we had no warning: we couldn't catch her." Komui with his serious voice is a scary thing indeed.

"It was her? She did all of that…?" _Again?_

No one could say anything. Lavi never told anyone about his experience with Road, but considering whom she was, they all figured it was something highly traumatic, and Lavi, of course, will still say nothing of it.

"What happened?" Komui watches as all four exorcists redden and avoid looking at each other. Then Allen and Lenalee share an odd, meaningful glance and Lenalee addresses her brother.

"It wasn't that bad, really, just…"

"Just what, Lenalee?" Oh, yes, he's seriously worried now. Anything Lenalee can't tell him has got to be the most horrible—

"It wasn't that bad," she states. When none of them will say anything more, Komui relents.

"So you're all uninjured?" is all he asks. They nod. "Well, then I guess that's all we can really hope for. I'm increasing the security around the Order and putting all finders and exorcists in the field on alert. We will do everything we can to assure this will never happen again."

The dismissal is clear, and they all mosey out into the hallway like lost sheep. Lenalee and Allen keep giving each other the same look as just before they vanished, and it makes Lavi feel ill.

"Oh, what happened to you two after we…left?" Lenalee, the bottomless basin of concern.

"Absolutely nothing," Lavi surprises both young men concerned by volunteering an explanation. "Right after you left, I—it—Road just talked for a while and then said she had to leave. I guess that's when they found her." Kanda masks his quizzical expression in favor of making the story believable.

"That's great! I was so worried she would…but she didn't and you're all right, so that's great." A fragile smile and Allen nods.

Without another word or backward glance, Lavi leaves. It would be no use talking to them about this because no one knows about the conflict with his heart; no one will ever know, not even Bookman.

0o0o0o0o0o0

Kanda watches Lavi leave. There are too many questions that he fears the answers to. Too many questions about himself that make him want to shut everything out and forget it ever happened, but he can't. And what's worse: only Lavi can help him figure this out. He has never had to deal with anything like this before; he's never even thought about starting a relationship with someone, much less getting _intimate_ with anyone. It's frustrating and maddening but he's helplessly stuck.

He tries to sleep, really he does, but it's impossible. Staring at his ceiling all night does nothing for him, and dawn mocks his fruitless efforts.

All day long, Kanda walks in a daze, the conscious somnambulist with nowhere to go. Forget about eating: his stomach is tight with tension and the stress his mind has yet to take the smallest break from. 

It is slowly driving him mad, and by the time Komui has a mission for him a few days later, he actually refuses. He can tell he wouldn't be up to snuff in his condition.

Komui takes one look at the state of him, paler than usual, a little thinner, and a haunted look to his eyes that has no right being on an 18-year old, and he tells him to take a vacation.

On the way out of the office, Kanda spots the somber redhead who lurks just behind every one of his thoughts. If Lavi has it any better off than he does, it doesn't show. His hair is down, the bandana that enhances his quirky appearance nowhere in sight, and his clothing is rumpled as if he just got out of bed at three o'clock in the afternoon. His usual grin is usurped by a forced-blank mask and his gaze is firmly downturned to the world.

Kanda almost feels sympathy. Almost.

"Yuu." Lavi looks up but even his surprise lacks energy. Kanda scowls. "Oh, right, you hate that. Kanda it is, then."

"What?" Never once has he ever called him by his surname. It just isn't a 'Lavi' thing to do.

Lavi turns to the door, a hand on the doorknob as he speaks. "If you'll excuse me, Komui's got a mission for me."

Wait. Komui was going to give this pathetic shadow of the 'Lavi' he knew a mission and expect it to be carried out? Kanda doesn't think so. He follows him back into the room without so much as a curious glance from Lavi.

Komui looks up from his paperwork and sets it down. Seeing Lavi in much the same state as Kanda, he changes his mind. "Never mind, Lavi, I think you could use a break, as well." Kanda nods.

"That's okay, Komui-san. I can go."

Both brunettes stare at him. "Um, Lavi…are you sure? I mean, you don't look—"

"No, I'm sure. Don't worry about me. Really."

"I see. Well, if you're sure—"

"Wait a minute. You are not seriously going to assign him a mission are you?"

"Well, if Lavi says he's fine, yes." Kanda looks affronted.

"Don't be stupid, he's obviously not fit for the field! Just look at him!"

"What do you mean?" Lavi doesn't have the spirit to be offended.

"You—you're…well, look at you! You clothes are a mess, you don't have your beloved bandana, and you look like you've been lying in bed all day!"

"Just because my appearance isn't as professional as it could be doesn't mean I'm any less capable."

"But—"

"I would have to agree with him, actually." Komui hands Lavi the mission portfolio like any other time and goes back to work as Lavi turns to leave.

"Then I'm going with him." Komui considers this for a moment before nodding his consent.

Lavi stops but doesn't look up. Kanda steps up beside him and catches the last bit of fear that is swiftly replaced by that blankness again.

Lavi retrieves his innocence and jacket and they make their way down to the river outlet under the Order. A good while on their way and they have yet to say a word to one another. Kanda reads the mission prompt while Lavi guides the boat, then Lavi reads it as they wait for the train. By the time they find their seats and are a day and a half's distance from their destination, the tension between them is giving Kanda a headache.

With a low growl at his inability to control his thoughts, he finally concedes and asks the question that has been burning him since it first came to him.

"You've been in that place before, haven't you?" he blurts.

Lavi looks up as if he had forgotten Kanda was there, having been fully immersed in analyzing the lines on his palms. He studies them some more and Kanda thinks he's getting the silent treatment.

"When we were on the Ark," he arbitrarily begins, "I fought Road Camelot." Lavi is so quiet, that Kanda has to lean forward to hear him at all. "The way she fights is…unlike anything I've ever heard of. She takes your heart into her 'dream' and controls everything you feel, see, hear, smell, everything." Kanda shudders, beginning to see why Lavi was so unhinged about it at the time. "She doesn't attack you physically; she attacks your very identity. When I fought her, she had sick monstrosities of my companions attacking me."

Lavi takes a deep breath and lets it out in a heavy sigh. He can't tell Kanda the whole story, the Bookman's personal demons are for the Bookman alone to deal with, but he can share the gist, and for some reason, he wants Kanda to know.

"I fought my comrades to save my heart but I almost didn't make it. It came down to you, Lenalee, and Allen stabbing me and I couldn't take it. If I hadn't distracted myself with the pain of my own knife through my chest the instant before you three made contact, it would have killed me. Killed me and torn my heart to shreds, but I…I made it out somehow and I never wanted to think about it ever again."

Kanda sits back, incredulous and almost feeling pity for Lavi. But Kanda isn't the type to feel pity for anyone, so he chooses to ignore it. Analyzing what Lavi said and what he knows about Road and Noah in general, Kanda figures being attacked by his own comrades must have been the most powerful weapon to destroy Lavi's heart. Someone's greatest fear says a lot about who they really are, he knows. His own greatest fear…

If he had to go into Road's 'dream' alone, he isn't sure he would be so fortunate. That thought inspires an unexpected rush of respect for the man that makes Kanda rethink his opinion of him.

He openly appraises Lavi, looking him over and imagining a more responsible, reliable version of the playful redhead and finds the idea very agreeable. But these are idle thoughts and Kanda should be thinking of the mission, rather than his partner.

Picking up the mission statement, he flips through it and tries to focus, but his thoughts have a will of their own. Hearing Lavi's answer makes so many more questions _demand _to be answered. It's like a swarm of locusts eating away at his resolve, and it doesn't take long before he slaps the folder down beside him and out comes a torrent of interrogation.

"Why did she take your form? And why weren't you surprised to see it? You acted like you'd seen it before, speaking to it as if you had daily chats with it! There is something you are not telling me, Lavi, and I refuse to let you continue this deception."

Lavi sits with his mouth slightly open, completely unprepared for this degree of accusation so suddenly directed at him. Kanda's eyes are unrelenting, and Lavi takes another deep breath, preparing for the argument.

"I can't tell you that. It's a Bookman thing, y'know?"

"You're going to tell me," Kanda grips Mugen, "Or—"

"Or what? You know, if you were really gonna gut me with that thing, I think you'd have done it by now. So go ahead, have at me, if you've got it in you."

Kanda blinks. What the hell is he supposed to say to that? Lavi is right: of course he isn't going to cut him. Komui would have a fit if he thought he had a violent nutcase for an exorcist.

"Fine. Keep your fucking secrets."

"Hey, it's not like I'm being capricious or anything. I really can't tell you. The number one rule of the clan is that you don't divulge any information regarding the clan."

"Hn. It's not like I've got anyone to tell." Kanda ignores Lavi's hurt look, crossing his arms and sulking.

It takes all of five minutes for Lavi to sigh a third time. He doesn't know what he's thinking but he can't stop the words and doesn't even try.

"Bookmen take on different personae as they move around to record the hidden history in this world." Lavi continues in his hushed tone when he sees he has Kanda's attention. "My 48th persona's name was Deak, and he didn't give a rat's ass about friends or comrades. Actually, he didn't care much for the human race as a whole. He had seen too many stupid mistakes and needless wars, too many examples of human error." Kanda frowns. So this means 'Lavi' is a persona? A fictional character he and Bookman use to place them into their lives like spies with code names?

"This 'me' thought of people as nothing more than ink on paper. This is the 'me' that was left to take over my body when my heart was supposedly killed. You remember what Allen and Lenalee said, right? Deak was the one who attacked Allen. He was the one Road posed as in the dream."

Well that explains just about everything. Except for the things Kanda will _not _ask about. Then Kanda's eyes flash as he realizes what Lavi has just given him. If Kanda ever even _hinted_ to Bookman that he knew _any _of what Lavi just told him, Lavi would probably be executed for treason to the Bookman Clan. He hadn't known what he was asking, and now he can't believe Lavi actually _entrusted _him with the answer.

Yet the persona thing still bothers him. If Lavi is just a persona, who is the man sitting across from him? He doesn't act like Lavi, he doesn't really talk like Lavi, and he certainly doesn't annoy the hell out of him like Lavi does. This whole situation is freaking him the hell out.

His fingertips find his temples to rub, eyes closing in deliberation.

"I know what you're thinking, and you're right. You don't know the real me, only Bookman does, but…" _I want to change that._

It is Kanda's turn to sigh, a sound that brings back images and emotions sharp and clear, so clear that Lavi half-expects Kanda to kiss him again. He shakes it off, reprimanding himself for such thoughts.

"Well, whatever. As long as you can do the mission it doesn't matter who you are." When in doubt, shut everything out.

Ouch. Lavi feels those words like a slap to the face and he cringes. _There's the Kanda Yuu I've always known._

They fall back into silence for the rest of the day.

When night falls, their personal compartment becomes the most awkward bedroom situation imaginable. The two of them lie not three feet apart, a world of uncomfortable emotions and daunting uncertainties filling the tiny space between them. Stubborn and ascetic to the end, Kanda meditates to eradicate the tension and get to sleep. Lavi is not so fortunate.

All of the things he never wants to think about twist and burrow through his mind, making mush where there should be order and coherency. Somewhere along the line, sleep claims him, but his dreams are so similar to his waking thoughts that he doesn't even notice the change.

0o0o0o0o0o0

Kanda blinks his eyes open. The confusion of recent sleep clings like water to cotton, but he pushes himself up and searches for what caused him to wake. It doesn't take long to find what it must have been. Lavi is on the floor of the train compartment, shaking and urgently murmuring something in his sleep.

Of all the missions Kanda has had with Lavi, he has never known him to sleeptalk. Or fall off the bed. Curious despite himself, he kneels beside him on the floor, listening close to decipher the babble.

"Doesn' matter…never see…they never see…can't let 'em…Why? Why!?" This last Lavi yells, his voice breaking on the word.

Somewhat worried about the noise drawing unwanted attention, Kanda reaches to wake him, but the moment his hand touches Lavi's arm, he quiets. He gets the strangest urge to whisper something assuring, and that kind of pisses him off.

"Lavi," he shakes him, "Wake up, dumbass, you're making too much noise."

"Wha? Kanda?" Kanda disregards the pang he feels from hearing his surname from him again. "Why am I on the floor?"

"Because you fell, obviously. You were talking, yelling in your sleep, so I had to shut you up."

"Oh." Lavi wipes the sweat from his eye and looks around as if he still sees his dream there. He swallows, steadying his breathing and trying to pull himself together.

Kanda notices he is still shaking and has to stop himself from reaching for him again. He scowls and lies back down, turning his back to Lavi. The sounds of footsteps and cloth rustling are followed by uneven breathing.

"D-did you hear…What did I say?"

He can easily ignore Lavi. He can, but for some reason, he doesn't want to.

"You said," he pauses, remembering the words, "You said something about 'they never see,' you 'can't let them,' and you asked why."

"Shit. As far as I know, I've never talked in my sleep before."

Right. And Kanda doesn't care. He really, really doesn't. But just one more question couldn't hurt…

"Is it because—?"

"Yeah." A long pause. "If you go so long with no identity, it can become a little hard to remember who you really are. But I guess I brought this on myself."

Kanda whips around on the bench, "That's absurd! Everyone has to have an identity, otherwise, why do you do what you do? What motivation do you have?"

"I," Lavi is baffled, "I don't know. I just…wanted to know things no one else knew…"

"That's not good enough. If you're suffering for something and you don't even know why you're doing it, you stop doing it! You don't just keep following some old man around just because he tells you to. You don't ignore what's in your heart just because it's what a 'Bookman' does, Lavi. You tell him you've changed and you don't want to be a puppet anymore."

"…They would kill me."

"What?"

"You can't learn what I've learned in the clan and then turn around and say, 'Oh, I don't think I'd like to be a Bookman anymore, thanks.' It doesn't work that way."

Kanda sits up and ogles the resigned pile of exorcist he thought was so much stronger than this.

"So you're going to live your life like this? Miserable and slipping into insanity because you made a decision when you were too young to know what you were getting into?"

"What do you want me to do? It's not like I can disappear from the _Bookmen_!" Lavi sits up and shouts directly at Kanda.

_Finally, some fucking spirit._

"Then give up. Don't even try to fight, Lavi, just accept your fate and die, like all the other pitiful morons before you."

"Fuck you, Kanda."

"Fuck you! I'm just trying to keep you from making the same mistake I almost did!"

"Why?"

"I don't know!"

All they can do is glare at each other, Kanda hating the fact that he cares and Lavi lost in the woods of regret and confusion, but also wondering why Kanda cares.

No, he knows why they're fighting and he knows why Kanda cares. He just doesn't want to be the one who asks the Question and throws them both into the Spiral of Doom. But he's sick of pretending to ignore it and hoping it will go away. He wants closure for at least one thing in his messed-up life, so he takes the leap, yelling out the question as if it were clawing its way out of his throat.

"WHY DID YOU AGREE TO FUCK ME IF YOU HATE MY GUTS!?"

"…" Kanda stares, wide-eyed and speechless, for a good while, before he gets the courage to attempt an answer to that. "Just because I hate you doesn't mean I'd rather die than fuck you."

"No. That's not good enough. If you hate someone you don't fucking _moan _when they touch you!"

"Yeah, well maybe _I _do."

"Oh, so if Allen kissed you, touched you, you'd flush and groan and gasp like you did then?"

"Maybe I would," stubborn to the end, but he can't hide his grimace.

"Gaah! This is why, Kanda, this is _why_ you don't have anyone to tell! You're such a tenacious prick that nobody can stand you!"

"At least I know who I am."

Lavi gapes at Kanda. He can't believe how much of a bastard he really is.

Kanda frowns. If Lavi caught any of the immediate regret Kanda hadn't managed to keep from his face, he absolutely did not show it. _Why am I saying this?_

"Why can't you just admit that you liked it?" Lavi insists on an admission. "I _know _you did. And damn it all, I did, too."

Kanda almost doesn't hear Lavi's whispered confession, but he does, and it makes all sorts of overwhelming emotions emanate from his neglected heart. Rather than dealing with them, he shuts everything out, plopping down and facing away, closing himself off.

"Fine. Keep lying to yourself. See if I care." Lavi is embarrassed and ashamed, but he doesn't regret one word. Not one. All he can do now is hope Kanda will come around, or hope it's swift and painless when he dies from the shame.

0o0o0o0o0o0

En route to the Akuma, Lavi has run out of patience. Ever since last night, they have not spoken, not even when a nice elderly woman greeted them along the road of a quaint town and offered to sample her new bread recipe. Lavi's empty stomach growled its dissent, but they both kept right on their way as if she never existed.

Instead, they communicate through looks. A Bookman's ability to read facial expressions is nothing to scoff at, and Kanda is familiar with Lavi's range of looks by now whether he wants to be or not.

Walking through the peaceful woods, amongst the curious forest creatures, they debate.

_So you're going to pretend that night never happened? _Lavi kicks a pinecone.

_Of course. And you should, too._ Kanda enjoys the poignant snap of a twig beneath his boot.

_I refuse. It meant something to me. Do you really feel nothing?_

_Absolutely._

"You're a cold-hearted bastard, you know that?"

"And you're a sentimental dumbass if you think I'm going to let my emotions control me."

"Ah-ha!" Lavi stops and points at Kanda, "So you admit that you _do _have emotions about this!"

Kanda also stops, seriously considering committing murder and blaming it on the Akuma.

"Even if I did, such things only slow people down, weaken them. I have no use for it." He starts walking again but is stopped by Lavi's hand on his chest.

"_Fuck that_, Yuu! I would rather face the wrath of the Bookmen than pretend I don't feel something between us."

"Che."

"Ever since I first met you, I've teased you. Braided your hair while you slept, called you girly, called you by your given name, even though you'd threaten and chase me until I wanted to cry while I laughed…" Lavi's imploring expression is mildly painful, and all Kanda can do is watch as he pours his heart out at his feet. "And on the rare occasion that you actually got hurt, I was always right there to help, even though you'd never take it…"

Kanda's eyes widen to see Lavi's bright, expressive eye suspiciously glistening.

"But you never hurt me, no matter how you brandished Mugen at me. And that one time when that Akuma almost shot right through me, you knocked me out of the way and got hit instead. And you," 

Lavi laughs, a sad, hollow sound, "You said you'd heal and that carrying my dead body back to town would be too much trouble, even though we both knew there wouldn't be a body if I'd been hit."

Lavi actually _sobs _and it takes all the restraint Kanda can muster to refrain from showing how it affects him.

"I didn't know what it meant. Bookman and I study wars, not relationships, you know? I didn't know what feeling this for someone meant, not until that dream opened up a whole new range of wants and needs that I didn't even realize I _had_. But now that I know, I can't go back. I won't."

He searches Kanda's face for a sign that anything he said had an effect. It is as blank as ever.

"No? I guess not, then." Another hollow laugh. "Well, I guess everyone gets their heart broken sometime." Turning and walking along the path, Lavi leaves Kanda standing in the somber tomb of his thoughts.

0o0o0o0o0o0

They trudge like that all afternoon and part of the evening, with Lavi leading and Kanda several paces behind. As sunset spills the colors of warmth over the secluded town, the two exorcists make their way to the first inn they see, shoddy thatched roof, peeling wood shingles, and all. Kanda waits outside, searching for any sign of disturbance, while Lavi requests a two-bed room for them, as per usual. It is only when he gets to the room that he realizes his mistake.

For a double occupancy, the room is _tiny_. There is one window on the east wall, a nightstand between the two beds, a small dresser across from them, and about an arm's breadth of space between the walls and the beds on both sides.

_Well, _Lavi sighs, _At least it's only for a couple of nights. The train was worse…_

That dream. Lavi remembers flashes of it, cold and desolate, like being lost in Pan's Labyrinth. Run as he might, he could find no escape from the despair, no solace in his lack of identity. It makes his heart squeeze to think about it.

On his way out, he throws the room key to Kanda, who catches it, frowning at the friendly grin Lavi offers.

"Room's pretty small, but what're ya gonna do?"

"What?" He hasn't heard that speech pattern from him in over a week. In fact, his entire mannerism seems to have changed.

"The room, Yuu, the room." Lavi grins again, that familiar, teasing expression.

"Oi, where are you going?" Kanda feels a strong dread, as if he's losing an important friend.

"I'm just gonna wander around town for a bit. Y'know, lookin' for Akuma and the like."

"Wait." He sighs as Lavi rounds the corner. "That idiot is going to get himself killed, isn't he?"

0o0o0o0o0o0

Lavi scopes out the town, looking for innocence or Akuma, but mostly just walking to clear his head. He has reached a relatively peaceful state by the time he finds a deserted chapel on the outskirts of the village. It is unusually isolated, the last house an indistinct square some ways down, but Lavi is drawn to it because of this.

Dry, waist-high grass shrouds the cracking, once-white stone. Lavi parts his way through and pushes the door open with a gentle nudge. He steps in, taking in cob-webbed rafters and dusty, abandoned pews, and makes his way to the small altar area with quiet, reverent footsteps. He was never one to pray, but it is small places like this, with lingering echoes of hope and relieved joy, that make him want to give it a try. A faint smile, the first genuine one in weeks, finds its place on soft lips, and Lavi feels a shadow of the happiness such simplicity allows.

The breeze whispers through cracked windows, smelling of rain and dusk, and Lavi contemplates staying here for the night.

0o0o0o0o0o0

Kanda locates the Finder in the town's tavern. The man informs him of the possibility of innocence somewhere nearby, as there is a particularly powerful Akuma occupying the outskirts of late. After hearing all he has to say, Kanda leaves, debating whether to follow Lavi or wait for his return. He thinks about the act Lavi has retaken and doesn't believe he can deal with that right now.

_Isn't this what you wanted? _Lavi's mock-cheerful tones reverberate through his skull. _To pretend, to put on a show for your pride? I'm playing my part, Yuu, just like you wanted._

"No!" Kanda punches the side of the building he stands near. "I didn't want this…"

Yet he knows if he goes after him it will be a form of admission. If he tells him to be real, Lavi will expect him to stop pretending, too. Kanda is just not ready to lower his defense, isn't even sure he knows how. But the idiot marched out there without a clue what to look for, and if the Akuma is as strong as the Finder described, it might be dangerous to take it on alone.

Kanda huffs and takes his closest approximation of Lavi's path.

0o0o0o0o0o0

He found candles underneath the altar, in the little cubby space for storing common items. The chapel took on an ethereal glow that would have been calming if Lavi weren't alone, at night, during a thunderstorm. Dusting off a spot for himself and using his jacket as a makeshift pillow, he prepared to brave the nightmares that would inevitably come.

Now Lavi hears murmurings from the darkened corners. Rising from the pew he was lounging on, he listens for the root of the disturbance. Garbled syllables in various tones grow in volume as he inches closer to the entrance. The candles flicker and for one chilling moment, the whistling winds still. Lavi swallows and reaches for the handle.

Suddenly, the door whips forward on its hinges, hitting the wall with a loud _clack_, and Lavi shouts a wordless exclamation at the drenched figure of Kanda Yuu.

"_Christ_, Yuu, you scared the _shit_ outta me!"

Kanda ignores the tremulous redhead and steps just inside the doorway.

"Shut up. Do you know how long it took me to find you? You're lucky you weren't attacked by now, idiot rabbit!"

"Whaaa? I haven't even seen a hint of Akuma all day! And besides, I can handle them myself, thank you very much."

"Che."

"And who were you talking to? I don't see anyone else out there."

"I wasn't talking to anyone."

"Then whose voices did I hear not two seconds before you kicked the door down?"

"I didn't hear any voices." Kanda frowns.

"But…if you didn't…and I definitely _did_…then what—?" Kanda discerns the lurking shadow near Lavi's left ankle too late.

"_Exorcisssst_!" The hiss seems to come from everywhere at once. Still, all Kanda can see is Lavi being dragged out into the storm, far quicker than he has any right to be.

"_Fuck_! Lavi!" Kanda runs out to where Lavi stops, a ways in front of the church.

"Yuu! What the hell?" Lavi struggles with what feels like a mix between smoke, spider silk, and water. It is soft and slippery, but _strong_. No matter how much he grapples with the stuff, he cannot get his ankle free. Kanda drops to a knee beside him, helping him to pull at it.

"What is this shit?" Kanda follows the strange cord through the grass, yanking on it to drag the culprit within sword range.

"Yuu!" Lavi's strangled shout sparks a terror that he has never experienced before. Kanda dashes back to find Lavi's throat encircled by the semi-translucent stuff, his eye wide with panic as he claws at it.

Kanda quickly activates Mugen and slices the cord, only to watch the pieces morph back together as if he'd done nothing at all.

"That will never work," An inhuman voice like twigs scraping a window pane and dry rustling that Kanda interprets as laughter. The vague outline is all he needs to lunge headfirst at the Akuma wringing the life from Lavi.

Mugen makes a clean cut through the thing without trouble, but its recombining abilities don't only apply to the appendages. More rustling and Kanda is dodging and slicing a dozen cords like the ones strangling Lavi.

A quick glance tells him Lavi is still conscious, kicking and writhing in the grass, but not for long. His hands make weak attempts to reach his neck and fail, falling limply to the muddy ground beside him. He can't even manage those raspy wheezing sounds anymore.

The Akuma takes advantage of his distraction to get a grip on Kanda, stringy whips wrapping his sword arm and left leg in an instant. Kanda grits his teeth and slices with abandon, hoping to chop the thing 

into ribbons before it can coalesce, but even that doesn't work. He fights with the thing as fiercely as he can, mindful of Lavi's condition and wanting to just get rid of this damned thing already.

Finally, he sends his Hell's Insects after it and watches them slip through it, leaving sizzling holes in their wake. He guides them through it again and again, ignoring its feeble swats and dodging its shadowy ropes until it collapses into a puddle on the ground, shrieking with its freakish voice. One last attack on the remains causes an explosion so large it knocks Kanda back a considerable distance.

He lands with a squelchy splat, his hair strewn all over the place, having lost its tie somewhere during the fight. Kanda grimaces at the muddy mess covering his coat, sitting up and ignoring his aching body in favor of retrieving Mugen and crawling back over to Lavi.

The Akuma's foul substance is gone, leaving only the telltale bruise on Lavi's skin. It is too dark to see clearly, so Kanda rests his ear against Lavi's chest and listens for the sound of his breathing. Kanda waits through three of his own heartbeats and feels it skip on the realization that Lavi doesn't have one.

"No. This is not fucking happening."

Kanda has seen CPR administered, remembers Lenalee yammering at him about it, but he always refused to try it, saying he'd rather let the dumbass die than put his mouth anywhere near theirs. Now he wishes he hadn't been so obstinate.

With cold, trembling fingers, Kanda tilts Lavi's head back, pulls his chin down, pinches his nose with two fingers, and tries not to wince as he squeezes his eyes shut and presses his lips to Lavi's. He breathes into his lifeless body twice before sitting back and finding the hollow just beneath Lavi's ribcage. Pressing down in a steady rhythm, Kanda grits his teeth and waits for a reaction.

He doesn't know if he's doing it right, but he keeps trying. Repeating it for the third time, Kanda is _this _close to a major freak-out. Plus, the fact that he is so affected by this, the impending death of an exorcist whom he should not care for, makes it all that much worse.

Moving his mouth over Lavi's for the fourth time, he manages one frantic breath before Lavi is coughing and gasping under him and Kanda feels such a powerful surge of relief that it makes him sigh. Then he starts to tense again.

_Why hasn't he said anything? Why hasn't he opened his eye? Why is he shaking so hard?_

"Lavi?" Kanda gently shakes him. "Oi, Lavi, look at me."

His eyelid flickers and retracts, showing the lower half of his eye, smothered in the black of its pupil. It refuses to focus, and his skin feels like ice, much to Kanda's chagrin. Not bothering with a warning, Kanda grabs the front of Lavi's shirt and hauls him into a sitting position, then pulls his arm across his shoulders and stands with him.

Lavi makes a couple of faint sounds that don't make it to words, but otherwise, he remains silent. Kanda sets him down on the church floor, close to the altar, near various lit candles. When he tugs Lavi's shirt over his head and discards it with a wet plop, the bewildered man makes an attempt at speech.

"Wha're y'doin'?"

"You're hypothermic. I have to warm your blood before your body shuts down and you die, again, so if you have no further questions…"

He makes another sound that Kanda ignores, removing his own coat and shirt and taking a deep breath, lying on top of Lavi.

"Wha' the…?"

"I told you," An unusually soft voice informs him, "I have to warm your blood."

Lavi seems to think about that for a moment, and then wraps his arms around Kanda's back, cold fingers making him jump. He smirks when Kanda doesn't retreat, but lets his head rest on Lavi's shoulder instead.

"This remin' y'of anythin'?" His teeth chatter and he sounds hoarse, but at least the words are more coherent.

"Shut up," he mumbles against Lavi's skin, words lacking any real conviction.

When Lavi's shivering finally stops, heartbeat and temperature the twin of his own, Kanda raises his head to check his pupil. A perfectly normal green eye gazes at him, meaning Lavi is no longer hypothermic and he has no more reason to touch him.

"Y'know, Yuu, as cozy as this is, we really should be gettin' back t'the inn." The playful lilt in his tone doesn't quite cover up the emotions his 'mask' shouldn't be feeling. Kanda lets Lavi up, his bangs conveniently hiding his eyes. "Thanks for savin' m'life, though. I really owe ya one." His bright smile is the last straw.

"Don't," he admonishes.

"Don't what, Yuu? I don't know what yer—"

"Stop. I can't stand it anymore. Just be yourself, already."

"But I am bein' m'self—"

"I'm," Lavi starts to worry, seeing Kanda faintly quivering, "I'm sorry, okay?"

"What?" He tries to sound joking but his voice wavers, pulse pounding in his ears.

"I said I'm sorry! I shouldn't have rejected you like that. I know how much it hurts because I felt it, too, Lavi. These things never lead to anything good, but I can't…I can't keep doing this."

Kanda's eyes flash something equally frightening and exhilarating, and Lavi doesn't have the time to gasp before his fervid kiss is consuming his mind. His mouth is fire and water, earth and air, and it takes Lavi a while to realize he is on the floor again and those low throaty sounds are coming from _him_.

Kanda's hands roam as they please, sweeping over ribs, belly, hips, through wild red hair, and to work on the buckle of Lavi's pants. Lavi kisses back with everything he has, taking the liberty to touch Yuu as much as he can. Awed fingers slip through dark hair, memorizing the feel of it in the chance that this never happens again.

"Why…?" Lavi murmurs when Kanda moves to his ear. "Why are you doing this, Yuu? You're not gonna turn around and say this didn't happen, either, are you?"

Kanda shakes his head, his hair swishing across Lavi's neck and chest. "I'm through pretending."

"But you said you had no use for such things. You said—"

"Forget what I said, Lavi. It doesn't matter anymore." He pulls Lavi's silver hoop with his teeth, urging him to shut up and participate.

Once again, Kanda kisses him, and this time, Lavi has absolutely no objections. The feel of his tongue slipping between his lips is absurdly arousing, and his toes curl every time Kanda does it. His soft hums slowly turn to more desperate whines, spiking in a surprised cry when Kanda's warm hand delves into his pants.

"Yuu!"

There is no verbal answer, but Lavi catches the quirk of his lips before Kanda kisses his way down his ticklish stomach. Propped on his elbows, Lavi tries not to hyperventilate, seeing Kanda heading in a certain direction.

"What're you…" His voice shakes, so he clears his throat to try again, but he doesn't get the chance. Lavi's head falls back on its own, mouth opening in a soundless shout, and the pads of his fingers scrape against the dusty stone floor. When his elbows wobble and give out from the pleasure, Lavi thinks this might be what ecstasy is like.

Kanda listens to Lavi's breathy moans and gasps as he works at making him the brainless loudmouth he always says he is. Lavi's fingers weave into his hair and Kanda's eyes flutter shut. He never knew his scalp was so sensitive! A small groan makes Lavi jump and tense, so Kanda does it again, longer and louder this time.

"Aaah" the words low and husky, "Gods, Yuu, please don't do that…otherwise…you'll have me…make a mess and…a-and that wouldn't be p-pleasa—Ngh!"

Going against his own intense desire to do just as Lavi said, Kanda pulls himself back up his body, leaning his hips against Lavi's with a teasing twist. He loves the look of shy lust on Lavi; his lips a succulent red, the vibrant color of his eye accentuated by the deep tint on his cheeks, and his fiery hair messy from tossing it around without realizing it. And Kanda bites his lip, thinking he might be in love.

Lavi catches his breath and his scattered thoughts after a moment. With Kanda looking down at him like that, he can't keep from grabbing him, rolling them over, and kissing him until they're both breathless again. He huffs, gazing down with a glazed eye, and feels his sudden mischief pour itself into a sly grin.

"Time to return the favor," he whispers, and kneels over Kanda's legs to copy his earlier endeavors.

It is Kanda's turn to feel that shocking exaltation and cling to reason as his nerves are sent to a whole new level of reaction. Lavi's tongue is slow, languorous, and his teeth hint at the control he has over Kanda right now. For some reason, realizing this makes him shudder and bite his lip. It takes a pitiful amount of time before Kanda has to push Lavi away by the shoulders.

Lavi is momentarily confused, but then he grins, flattered to see that his novice efforts have made Kanda blush and pant like a timid schoolgirl.

"Ah, Yuu, you're so cute!"

A half-hearted scowl and Kanda feels like smacking him upside the head, but he has other things in mind.

"Lavi." The grin fades in lieu of genuine curiosity. "I want you."

"Well, obviously, we're attracted to each other, else we wouldn't—"

"I mean," his gaze is so direct it almost burns, "I want to…be with you…"

Lavi's mouth opens, then closes, then opens again. _Kanda Yuu has just asked to be my boyfriend…hasn't he?_

When an answer doesn't seem forthcoming, Kanda frowns, hurt but still unwilling to show it. "Nevermind. It was a stupid id—"

"Me too!" Lavi says a little too quickly, a little too enthusiastically. "Of course I—I did say that I wanted—well, y'know."

Yeah, Kanda remembers. It was just yesterday, after all. _"I didn't know what feeling this for someone meant…I can't go back. I won't." I don't want to go back, either._

A sharp pang of emotion makes Kanda unable to _not _kiss Lavi. It feels like falling and floating at the same time. It feels like too much and not enough and it hurts but it's _so_ _good_. Lavi's hands are in his hair again, stroking and rubbing as if he knows Kanda loves it. Maybe he does.

Lavi is moaning and Kanda's ears are burning to hear such a sound, and one that _he _is causing, at that. Their hands are everywhere, liberating, caressing, rubbing, and neither one of them can tell one second from the next. Time is measured in heartbeats if it is measured at all.

The candles flicker, casting shadows and a soft glow over smooth skin. Slick drops of sweat ease the friction of bare skin and everything gets a hell of a lot hotter before either of them can open their eyes.

"Lavi," Kanda manages. The message is clear in a single word.

"Yeah," he whispers.

Kanda pulls his legs up, lightly squeezing Lavi's waist. "Do it," he urges.

"But…won't it…"

"It's fine." Kanda insists, raising his hips to help get his point across.

Lavi knows Kanda has nearly instantaneous healing, but that doesn't mean he won't feel the pain, and he really does not like that thought. The last thing he would ever want to do is cause Kanda harm.

Seeing his hesitation, Kanda takes matters into his own hands. He flips their positions with ease, sitting on Lavi's belly and kissing him to halt his protestations. Reaching a hand back to guide him, Kanda presses down and back, slowly but resolutely, and they trade groans, surprised pleasure for expected pain.

Lavi leans up to nibble and suck the pinched quality from his expression and succeeds, for the most part. A few deep breaths later, Kanda has reacquired the fire in his eyes, and Lavi becomes subject to his erratic pace. Grasping strong, flexing thighs, Lavi attempts to focus and hold on for as long as possible.

A shower of kisses and moans test his resolve, but the way Kanda starts rolling his hips, the swish of his hair all over his chest, make Lavi wish he'd actually done this before. Maybe then it wouldn't be so _hard_.

Not wanting to feel like he isn't contributing, Lavi reverses them yet again and sets his own pace, slow and deep. Keeping Kanda's gaze helps stave off the end and reminds him that this means so much more than simple sensation.

"Yuu," a drop of sweat trails down his temple, "Did you know? That look in your eyes…reminds me of home somehow. Even though I never had one."

Kanda swallows and tries to look away, but his eyes are locked onto Lavi's. It hurts too much to try to not feel it, so he nods and lets himself go. Rolls his shoulders back, shakes the bangs from his eyes, and wraps his arms around Lavi's shoulders to keep him close.

Lavi devours Kanda's neck, keeping his thrusts as even as possible. Even so, the tension is starting to show. His brow scrunches, his jaw clenches, and his arms start to shake, not from fatigue, but from anticipation. Unable to hold back any longer, he doubles the pace.

It doesn't take much for Kanda, having been tightly wound for some time now, and the stimulation from within and without is taking its toll. Fingers grasping shoulder blades, Kanda comes with a long, shuddering exhale and the tightening of his entire body.

Graced with such a salacious vision, Lavi is left with only one option. An embarrassing whimper and a hoarse cry signify his limit.

Once his head stops spinning and he can see again, his first thought is to move so he doesn't crush Kanda, but he still has a good grip on his shoulders. His face is the most relaxed he's ever seen it, even more than when he sneaked up on him in his sleep. He looks so young, so beautiful, and Lavi dusts reverent kisses along his chin.

The quiet hum is telling. "Don't drift off yet, Yuu. We gotta get back to the inn first, yeah?"

A warm hand cards through his untamed fringe, a soft finger traces over his eyebrow, and Lavi closes his eye.

"Stay." Lavi nods.

0o0o0o0o0o0

Back at headquarters, it takes Lavi half an hour to track him down the next day. He is exactly as he always was, sharp and efficient and eating his soba by himself. Lavi grabs his tray and prays.

"Hey, Yuu. What's up?" Underneath the usual cheer is a question, vulnerability. Lavi sits across from him and Kanda has yet to look up. A minute ticks by and he thinks he might die on the spot. Become a puddle of rejected redhead and leak into the cracks beneath Kanda's boots.

Then he is stunned out of his mind, because Kanda's lips taste like soba and green tea and reproach. "Idiot rabbit, where have you been?"

There is a glint in his eye and a tilt to his lips, and it takes Kanda's hand pulling him out of his stupor and into his room before he can really believe.


End file.
